Here Comes the Sun King

Everybody's laughing. Everybody's happy.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

mo & i went to see joely at the cohen tonight. it fucking' ROCKED. we had awesome seats and the sound was beautiful and we took a bunch of vodka in a water bottle, and we screamed like groupies. joel said that my shout out was cool. damn right.

mo wrote down the set list, but only for the first set (we finished our crystal lite & had a doob down at intermission...oh yeah, and then she lost her pen).

dana & judy & mary-jo were there. they were sitting down below us. we hung out after & talked. they got on the list for the after party.

mo & i hung out downtown for a couple of hours, drinking gin, smoking cigarettes, eating poutine and stumbling around. it was quite a blast. we got stones tickets, you know.

i only took half a happy pill this morning. i am so excited. today was awesome. i cried twice at the cohen, after saying i hardly ever cry. both times took me by surprise, especially the second. but i was not sad, just a little weirded out.

we don't need no after-party anyway. and who cares who's invited ... just don't forget to put roses on my grave.

It's Alright, Ma

Bob
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

Bob just announced some Canadian dates in July. They're on the west coast. But if he starts west, there's nowhere to go but east, right?

August in Hali, that's my prediction. I knew he would come back to see us!!

Stones
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

'Tis Himself

Joely ECMA
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

Listening to Joel & his dad on CBC right now, it's pretty cool. Going to see him do this in the flesh tomorrow, and that's pretty cool.

oh yeah, and uploading photos to your blog is cool too.

Wow

LMM Stage 9
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

This is a great shot of Little Miss Moffat opening up for Julie Doiron the other night at Stage 9. It was an awesome show!

BAD

I went in to work tonight and while i was up in the breakroom drying off, a friend of mine came in and got her stuff to leave.

"going home?" i asked
"yup." she replied with her usual mellow sweetness
"well, that's good" i said
"yeah"

i continued to primp, and she contined to gather her gear.

"see you later!" she called out as she turned to open the door
"good night!" i had a big smile on my face.

then she dropped a bunch of stuff, and gave the most heartbreaking sigh. as she bent down to grab her lip balm she said quietly "this is such a bad day". she left without saying anything else, and i felt really sad for her, she seemed out of sorts. i was glad she always gets a ride home, and didn't have to walk in this weather.

it was probably about 20 minutes or so later when the loudmouth on the lane next to me asked if i had heard what happened to {insert name of previously mentioned co-worker here} ... she had just received a phone call in the middle of her shift. her dad had a massive heart attack. he's dead.

i couldn't concentrate on anything else that happened for about 10 minutes. her dad was alive this morning, and then she came to work, and now he is dead.

and to my sweet co-worker pal, who always has something good to say, whose smile is brighter than the flourescents overhead... i have no idea what to say to you, but you are in my thoughts and i hope you have a lot of good people with you. i am so sorry that this happened.

Diddley, Diddley, Diddley..

I could lose a lot of friends for saying this, but I don't think Wacko Jacko is guilty. I do think he is very very messed up, but i don't think he's guilty. I'm holding out for you Michael.

Till Death Do Us Part

Sometimes you question everything and nothing makes any sense, and then somebody completely blows your mind by being on your wavelength.

I'm glad i got married last summer. I had a dream last night that i was getting married, but things weren't going too well. For one thing, i wasn't sure who i was marrying, and i didn't feel good about it at all. Then i woke up before things got too out of control. And then i called the wife. And now i feel great!!!

Woo hoo!!!!

Banbury Court

Black
White
Grey

I am not sure if it is possible to not be a hypocrite.

Got a lot of really deep shit flying around in my brain. Too bad the conversation got cut short - there was a lot more to say. Thanks for calling, Aggie. (xo clem.)

I'm all over the map. Up, down. Clear, cloudy. Strong, tired. Something in my brain is trying to work its way out. I should be paying more attention.

I've had a lot of conversations on my sofas in many places with a lot of people i don't talk to anymore. Do they not count?

Forgive Me Father...

I am not that into the gym. I want muscles, but for some reason the gym doesn't really appeal to me. As with any habit, once you get into the pattern, it's easy to follow. I don't dislike working out, i always feel good afterwards, but the act of getting me there causes a disproportionate amount of stress.

I like to sleep in. Blame genetics, blame whatever. Blame me. I like to stay up late at night and sleep until noon. I don't usually sleep until noon, but i am always glad when i do. I know i miss the mornings this way, but i'm okay with that. I have the afternoon. And the night.

I usually feel like I am ready to start my day around 1:30 or 2pm. That means I have had coffee, put on clothes and eaten some food. Then the day can start. That's too late for my gym pal. That causes me stress.

I chickened out today, i didn't want to have the conversation so i just avoided it, and that is sucky. i know it. i'm sorry.

Bail

I bailed on Bob. I can't afford it. I have to get myself in order. Next time, Bob.

NO MEANS NO

You guys who don't listen when a girl tries to let you down easy, you make me very angry.

You think if you lay off for five minutes and then make another move that we will forget we told you to stop?

PLEASE!

It's embarrassing for you, it's embarrassing for us and quite frankly the whole topic of date rape is just going to make being your pal a lot more difficult.

I guess it really is true that some guys think no means yes, because i have had one of them say that to me: "you're saying no but you really mean yes". WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? If I say no, I mean NO. I'm not flirting or being coy. I want your fucking slimey hands off me, you asshole.

Get it?

Put a Candle in The Window

I double booked myself last night by accident.

I got a call at 1am. It made me want to get dressed and go meet my peeps for a drink. You can take the rocker(s) out of the girl, but you can't take the rock out of the girl.

If You Want To Learn Anything

I'm going.

WOO HOO!!!!

Gotta Get Up Near The Teacher

All in favour of me switching my summer class from June to July so i can go see Bob & Willie at this ballpark, say aye.

Truth be Told

i did not go back to school because i have a calling. i went back because i have an interest, and the timing was right.

Family Ties

Why did my grandfather make house calls to Africville? I need to know.

Why do people assume that because you are single & live alone that you are at the disposal of the universe 100% of the time? "oh you didn't answer the phone. you must be asleep, or at work."

true, i could be asleep or at work.

I could also be at the grocery store, in the parking lot out back, in the shower, on the toilet, out on a date, entertaining a man, taking a walk, shopping for CD's, having coffee with somebody, volunteering at the peace corps etc.

Is it any of your business?

Sometimes i do not answer my phone. This is because i do not want to be disturbed. There's no need for you to take personal offense at that. Leave a message. I will get it. That is why the answering machine was invented. It was not invented so that you can spout off at me for screening - i might not even be screening. Just relax. And stop making so many assumptions.

I am failing miserably in my attempts to be more straight up.

In the past year, i have turned my life around. It has been a lot of hard work. It still is hard work, and i am still just getting started.

And if I am to believe the inferences of my cousin regarding our grandfather, then i am very upset with my mother for spending my entire life in denial, or for keeping secrets about my family from me.

And if my cousin is right, then my grandfather deserves to die alone in his self-imposed exile, and i refuse to feel guilty about spending holidays in the carribbean with my family, who do not love Hitler, and who do love black people. Without shame, reservation or secrecy.

Stop This Train, I Wanna Get Off

I have to clean my place.

This is pretty much my mission statement, and it is rarely not true. I'm not a slob because of disregard for order. I'm just a slob because i am lazy and can usually find things to do that are more fun than cleaning. However, i just reach a point where the mess disgusts me and i don't clean it because i don't know where to start.

I had decided i would solve this by doing one big SPRING CLEAN. I would get everything mega-organized, throw out a lot of trash, and launch the summer from the classy & streamlined Velvet Underground.

I'd say i got about a quarter of the work done, and then something necessitated a band-aid clean (part of the spring-clean rules was "no band-aid cleans!"). But i broke my own rule. Still, the place is not sooooooo bad, a couple of hours of dedication would spiff it up quite nicely. I'm going to get right on that tomorrow.

The other day, while out walking with mo, i got sort of hit by a car. Not really hit, but more like ... pushed. Driver of said car was looking left, but driving right, where i happened to be crossing the street with mi hermana. Rather than jumping out of the way, i pushed back. (note to readers: not the best way to avoid death when being run over by a car). Pushing didn't seem to do much to slow down the mini van, so while keeping my hands on his hood and running backwards (in order to avoid being run over), i yelled "WOAH! WOAH!" finally the guy realized i was there and he stopped. We crossed the street. I actually thought it was kind of funny, but mo seemed a little shaken up and we both realized how random these things can be.

It was even stranger the next day when we were walking down barrington from the cogswell overpass and heard a lonnnnnnnnnnnng squeal of rubber that usually signifies a crash, but no ensuing shattering of glass. We both stopped and turned around. There was a dude lying on north barrington in front of a car. Lots of other cars stopped immediately. I was trying to absorb the fact that the dude had just been hit by the car - that the screech of tires had likely ended with a THUD instead of a smash. The guy was moving, but he wasn't getting up. It was ghoulish to stand there and watch the traffic zoom by while people were possibly having their lives changed drastically because this guy had tried to run across the street. Bet he didn't plan on that when he got out of bed that day. In any case, we stood there feeling helpless for a few minutes, talking to some other random bystanders and decided the situation was under control - heard the sirens approaching (it seemed like it took them so long to get there), and we carried on. Quite surreal.

I have an old atlas. It was published in 1982. This is kind of funny, because there are countries in it that don't exist anymore. (east germany, USSR, czchekoslovakia (sp) etc.)

I decided to google some climate graphs to see if temperatures had increased much in the last 23 years in Canada (they haven't). I was curious about global warming. This led me to compare some population rates from 1982 to population rates of today. Halifax/NS have remained relatively constant, with a small increase since 1982. Canada has increased by some 6 or 7 million people.

But the most staggering statistic i discovered was the Population of Planet Earth. You can check the population back as far as 1970, and forward as far as 2037. Barring any unfortunate car accidents, i expect to be here in 2037. Here's what i discovered while playing with the population clock: in the next 32 years of my life, the population of the planet will increase twice as much as it has since i was born.

I sat here staring at the computer trying to comprehend this. I already think the world is overpopulated. We might get away with it if we didn't insist on plastic and cars and mcdonald's etc. But we do insist on those things, and this exponential rise in the number of people sharing this finite space is a little freaky. Can the earth put out forever? (no)

I hate to sound nihilistic, and i don't spend my spare time dwelling on this thought, but i do believe the human race is on the fast track to extinction. I used to say that my grandchildren were going to be in dire straits if we continue consumption & pollution at our current pace. After reading the population clock, that prediction seems eerily accurate.

Of course, there are things that can cull the population or slow it down -- AIDS, war, some unknown disease we haven't heard of yet. Do we let them happen? Do we wipe out Africa just because there are too many people? I daresay the AIDS orphans in Kenya likely play a very small role in the overall deterioration of our air, water, trees...life. Why should they suffer the consequence?

Ah, this is a deep, philosophical issue that i cannot answer in a few paragraphs over coffee. I do know that maybe the most important thing i learned in school this year is that I hate free market economics. (i am, however, currently contemplating a stock purchase hahhahaha).

All hope is not lost; there was a grenade discovered a mere 100 ft away from George Bush recently in Georgia.

Moving right along.

I have a serious problem with the Catholic church. I don't believe in god, and i am not a huge fan of organized religion at all. i guess i'm an atheist, but i don't like to define myself in terms like that. i'm human. i'm spiritual. i'm kind & loving.

I read this article this morning, and i almost gagged on my coffee. It offers hope for mankind, in that it quotes several religious figures (clergy & other) who denounce the catholic hard-line against condoms. But WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!??!?!!?

"In El Salvador, the church helped push through a law requiring condom packages to carry a warning label that they do not protect against AIDS. Since fewer than 4 percent of Salvadoran couples use condoms the first time they have sex, the result will be more funerals" (quote from above linked article).

As you may or may not know, my return to Dal this year was inspired by a desire to go to less "developed" parts of the world (namely africa) and work with HIV stricken peeps. I don't know what i can do (i should have gone to med school), but i want to do SOMETHING. The obvious way to curb the AIDS pandemic in Africa is to make condoms widely available. This is not rocket science. I know 6 year olds that could tell you that. Fuck, the catholic church pisses me off.

I think i am done ranting for the moment. Maybe I'll go do the dishes..... start off on the road to living clean.

Let It Bleed

mo says she is gonna buy stones tickets. wow. awesome.

before the show last night, we had wine & pizza (which reminds me, i left those wineglasses in the hallway upstairs). we talked about matt mays in hell, at the danube, at the mokka. ash said she was proud that we were fans back in the day. those shows were five bucks. last night's was forty. and worth it. the family, at the metro centre! you're in the big time, kids!

it was pretty exciting to see matt & the boys rockin' out on stage at the metro centre. we were shrieking like crazed teenagers and singing along to everything. i even convinced the dude next to us to lend us his binoculars for a minute. then we moved to better seats.

when we were down front for the dylan song, i told mo that being that close to all the gear made me horny.

go, go, go Little Queenie.

Who's Next?

Saying his loss, and actually meaning it makes me feel incredibly strong & sexy.

Today i've decided to treat people with a lot more respect and to grow up a little. Emotional immaturity is defined by people who can't control their impulses for immediate satsifaction. So childish. So i'm going to make a few sacrifices and try to be a little less selfish.

oh baby!

Damn it.
Darn it.
Well, she is a nice gal. (i'm nicer)
She is a sweet gal. (i'm sweeter)
She's a hot gal. (i'm hotter)

I had a few little roadbumps, but i am glad i stuck my neck out a little. (i didn't stick my neck out at all, and i acted like a total freakish moron on more than one occasion). But i feel good. This was a fun chapter.

Darlin' You've Got to Let Me Know...

Do i step outside my comfort zone for a few hours just to find out what i already know because there's a slim slim chance i might be wrong? Or do i just playsafe?

In 11 hours, i'd better have my mind made up.

should i stay or should i go?

He Not Busy Being Born Is Busy Dying

Bob is right about that.

But i'm sitting here over my morning coffee, and my mind strayed to a gal i used to know. we spent all our free time together, shared our souls over tea and red wine and the occasional spliff. we sat in front of crackling fireplaces and steamy woodstoves singing songs and sharing music. we played chess for hours and hours over lattes and caesar salads. we had a marvellous friendship. it was as if we had known each other forever and our love was immediately unconditional.

i moved away, she moved away. we sent postcards and letters - letters of many pages describing our experiences, hopes & fears in lurid detail and our philosophies with unbridled restraint. We held each other up as we struggled to improve ourselves and understand how to get the most out of being on the planet.

i hardly ever talk to her anymore. i see her once every year or so, usually in toronto for a too-short dinner or drinks or a walk along the beaches. it was almost a decade ago that we met...she is almost 50 although you wouldn't think her a day over 35. she is deep and cool, a musician, a painter, a lover, a daughter, an orphan, a sister. She is part of my strength and wisdom.

it seems strange to me that such a powerful relationship can be reduced to annual coffee dates, voice mails lamenting passed time, and frantic emails sent from work. but there it is. i know that she feels the same of me as i do of her, and we are often in each others' thoughts. when we meet, it is always as though no time has passed. but time is passing at an alarming rate. why do we let this happen? i have lost track of many important people over the past few years, i have let friendships lapse beyond the point of no return. it's not because i don't think of these people, or that they mean any less to me... it's not that there's no time. (seriously, i always find time to squeeze in a game of free cell).

it's all in the timing. they are part of different lives. lives that were me, but aren't me.

and now, as a cynical singleton, instead of picking up the phone to catch up, i dwell and reminisce over my morning coffee, watching the sunlight dance off the walls of this life.

Life is full of death. i don't think that denial of this fact is going to make it any easier when you come to that realization. There is the physical death that you expect; the death of grandparents and distant ancient relatives. There will be the odd tragic death; a car accident, a suicide, a random act of violence. If you are lucky these tragic deaths will not befall people of your inner circle, but they will undoubtedly happen to somebody who knew somebody and you will pause for a minute and try to imagine what that's like. I can't imagine it. I try to a lot.

But i think there is another kind of death that you don't really notice as much...the death of your past. i know we are not supposed to dwell on the past, and i don't think we should. but i don't think we know how to mourn properly.
pay respects.
celebrate.
love.

Well, as usual i have completely lost my train of thought.

Miranda Moves to Brooklyn

I am not a big fan of comparing life to TV, but Sex & the City is right on the money. I guess the rest of the "free" world knows this already, but I am a recently converted fan. It's so good, it depresses me. I see myself in those spastic embarrassing situations, I'm shouting at the girls to do the right thing (they don't, always)... it's like cliché city in my brain. I've mentioned clichés on here a lot lately. I've always believed that stereotypes exist for a reason (in that, as much as one can generalize about something, stereotypes often hold up - in my experience). Anyway, it's weird to feel like you are one. Like no matter how you live your life or how much passion you have or how much you suck the marrow from experience, it's all been done....and you are headed down the road to a house in the burbs and carting the kids off to soccer.

Miranda moved to Brooklyn. Stacy came over for coffee with her newest baby. We smoked a joint and talked about the party days.

I stay up really late.

That's just the way it is.

He's Just Not That Into You

Enjoy your twenties, kids, because things go downhill fast after that -- it's not just a cliched sterotype, it's the actual god's honest truth.

Skin Flick

I am dying to wear shirts that show off my tattoo.

The Sun God

By the way... oh all praise the sun....isn't it mahvellous?

True Patriot Love

I did my taxes and got a big whoppin' refund that i whittled away to nothing in less than 2 days, but i forgot the bonus part about squaring up with the gov.......

GST CHEQUES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh how i have missed this free money. it couldn't have come at a better time. thank you, lord.

Smile Like You Mean It

My parents spoiled me rotten this weekend. I have to admit that i loved it, but i feel bad letting them do so much for me when i am so irresponsible... they said that everybody deserves to be spoiled sometimes, but they put their time in in that role already.

They are getting old; i notice it every time i see them. the phenomenon of speedy time.

it's too late for me to have a baby before i'm 30.

i'm not sure why i get out of bed in the mornings. there's gotta be a reason beyond going to the gym.

at the risk of sounding like a cliché, i'm tired of being alone. and i've watched enough dr. phil to know that seeking a soulmate for fulfillment is a crock of shit. i'd settle for a good screw and a manly chest to drool on. if i'm so fucking great, then why doesn't anybody want me?